According to an iconoclastic article in the latest issue of “Science Weakly” (an online publication aimed at highly motivated [but poorly educated] science buffs), part-time honorary particle physicist Dr. D.J. Trump has finally uncovered the illusive corollary to Niels Bohr’s Quantum Theory, upon which modern subatomic physics is founded. Dr. Trump is believed to have stumbled upon the discovery of “Want’em Mechanics” (his term) while descending the stairway of Airforce One.
“As I carefully watched my fantastically beautiful and tremendously expensive black Oxfords take a series of steps toward the ground,” recounted Trump, “it suddenly occurred to me that the very act of observing the motion of my shoes could alter their position in space. Fearing that such observation on my part might very well result in my losing my balance, falling on my face, and fracturing my hair, I quit watching them and began to focus on what I want (i.e., my everyday state of mind). It was then I experienced what I call an ‘epiphany’ (a word very few people have ever heard of before). It occurred to me that just as quantum theory predicts the fixing of an electron’s position based on the act of observation, I might be able to fix electoral outcomes (not to mention world events) by wanting’em strongly enough! In other words, if I am able to harness the power of wanting, I can corral facts and fix them into alignment with my fondest wishes. All I have to do is want’em to be so, and voila!”
Dr. Trump believes that the wide-ranging implications of “Want’em Mechanics” are yet to be delineated, but he is confident that his breakthrough discovery will undoubtedly turn scientific orthodoxy on its head.
“The fact is, I developed the initial outline of ‘Want’em Theory’ as a six-year-old boy in the Queens neighborhood where I grew up,” explains Trump. “Believe it or not, at age six I was already as smart as I am today! Even then, though, I was strongly aware that I wanted everything I saw: bikes, scooters, my dad’s silk neckties, other people’s desserts, seven-year-old women, my older brother’s birthright, you name it. And because I wanted all these things (and other people were selfish enough to deny them to me), I was always searching out a plausible justification for liberating these desired items from their undeserving owners. Suddenly, it hit me. By the very act of wanting something bad enough, I might be able to fix its location right into my closet or under my bed. After extensive experimentation along these lines, I was at last ready to declare the preliminary scientific proof of my fledgling theory!
“Of course, this was only the beginning of what was to prove a lifetime of tedious, painstaking work: wanting my family’s money enough to fix its location into my bank account; wanting to transfer the ill-gotten wages of greedy subcontractors into socially beneficial causes like nonprofit casinos and affordable housing for financially strapped Saudis, then semi-permanently fixing said subcontractors in legal limbo by means of nuisance litigation; or even wanting to control women through intimidation, coercion, and sexual harassment enough to fix their “loyalty” by way of punitive nondisclosure agreements. Again, all this is time consuming and, for the most part, lonely work. But a scientist’s passion for his life’s endeavors is, in the end, its own reward. That and a boatload of cash…”
So what’s next for this intrepid, honorary degree holding science dilettante?
“Well, right now I am involved in strongly wanting a few million ballots that are being unfairly hoarded by ‘Sleepy Joe’ Biden, but which I soon hope to securely fix into their rightful place in my vote tallies.
“But after the successful conclusion of that little project, I plan to pursue my next earth- shattering discovery. I am currently hot on the heels of a heretofore unknown adjunct to the classic ‘Cause and Effect’ phenomenon. I call it ‘Effecting a Cause.’ Not to give too much away here (when I’d much prefer you to pay me for it in the form of a copy of my upcoming ghost-written book; everyone says it’s fantastic!), but the basic premise is simple: we all know that mammograms cause breast cancer, and emphysema causes cigarette smoking. That’s just common sense. So why are so many doctors resistant to the idea that Coronavirus testing causes Coronavirus? Pick up a copy of my new book, Earthquakes and the Tsunamis That Cause Them, and find out!”