When the bureaucratic well runs dry, you as survivor of DV are on your own, especially when family and friends are riding in their own Private Idaho.
Preface: According to band member Kate Pierson, “Private Idaho” was inspired by the feeling of being trapped and isolated, like a prisoner in solitary confinement. The song originated when Pierson had a vision of someone disappearing into themselves and being cut off from the world around them.
Note that in Western Capitalism, so so many people are trapped, self-imposed, sure, but mostly dictated by the oppression, the constant celebrity cult fawning, all those elites lording over the masses; i.e., the 80 percent. Think about all the services (social, mutual aid, support, food, schooling, child rearing, aging, disability) that were not there in the first place in this Number One Nation on Earth Shit-Hole, and those that were there as threadbare services designed to clog and fail … and you get a picture of how lost we are in this putrid world.
Think about domestic abuse, AKA Battered Wife Syndrome. Think about dysfunctional courts, dysfunctional prosecutions, dysfunctional defense attorneys, dysfunctional investigators and more than dysfunctional cops and even victims rights advocates who are to lunch, or just so fearful of rocking the boat they just do the basics or do not stick out their necks for fear of being sent to HR and being put on some fucking PIP — Personal Improvement Plan!
So, when a bloke like me ground truths with one example of one woman in one county dealing with one abuser and one last straw that precipitated calling 911, the world in an oyster is the world all of you readers will engage with at one point in your life struggling to make ends meet, struggling to understand how Capitalism and Patriarchy and Forced Implosion of Services are orchestrated by some of the most sociopathic and mean “leaders” in “society.”
This is part two of a “Special to the Newport News Times: A Three-Part monthly series on domestic abuse.”
[First part is here, so read it first at DV or my Substack, “Elephants in the Room — battered women are our sisters, mothers, friends, wives.”
Stages of Grief, Disempowering the Abuser, Healing
Operator: What’s the nature of your call, ma’am?”
Victim: “I’m … I’m locked out of my house. My, he … my husband, he just tried to strangle me … suffocate me …”
Operator: “Where are you now? Are you in a safe place?”
Victim: “Oh my god, safe? I don’t know.”
Operator: “Ma’am. Where are you now? In the house with him?”
Victim: “No, no … I got away. I’m at a neighbor’s house. He’s locked himself in our house.”
My friend is now almost a year from that frantic call last November. She’s in counseling. She knows the facts, too, rattling them off while she puffs a cigarette:
· “It can take seven attempts before a survivor permanently leaves an abusive partner.”
· “Around 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States.”
· “I’ve read that around 31% of all women will experience domestic violence. Can you believe that?
· “For Black women, that statistic rises to than 40%. It’s insane how much domestic abuse goes on.”
Even after eleven months navigating and meeting with the Lincoln County courts, the victim’s assistance program, a local counselor, and a divorce lawyer, my friend is in many ways right back at the trigger point of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the moment she got away from a couch pillow and 220-pound man forcing her not to breathe.
It’s not a disorder, PTSD (or BWS), in the traditional sense, but rather an overarching set of fears, habits, thinking processes, self-perceptions and societal norms that rush through any victim’s or survivor’s head. That incident she was surprised to read ended up in the Newport News Times the following Wednesday that chilling November evening.
That was a shock – in black and white. That same week, a grand jury indicted the abuser – the accused – on most of the charges leveled at him by the arresting deputies. A husband and wife – where she ended up fleeing to with her dog – were also called in by the Grand Jury as witnesses, as well as the investigating deputy.
That 911 call and the indictment were not stages one and two. For her, she had been forced for more than four years to leave the house, or even when they were camping together, forced to flee from his very presence because of his heavy abuse of alcohol and constant verbal and financial abuse.
He gave her a concussion two years ago. She lied to the attending medical personal saying, “I fell in a river and hit my head.”
She lived a life of isolation, developing a contrived “everything is okay” attitude, but deep down she feared that he might one day just kill her. Nights were bad when he passed out after consuming huge amounts of beer and booze. Each time she left, he attempted to reel her back, she tells me. And that worked over and over and over. Apologies, big male crocodile tears telling he’ll never do it again, and then this woman’s need to believe she was committed to marriage for the long haul.
She repeats to me – “Can you imagine if we had a child? I understand why victims of domestic abuse who have kids get priority in shelters, for services.”
My Sister’s Place is a Template Needing Replication a Thousand Times
Taking power back is one of the goals of Amber Wishoff-Martin who is the director of My Sister’s Place in Newport. She was in a whirlwind when I first made contact with her.
On her mind was on my friend’s case – Wishoff-Martin asked for the perpetrator’s name and the date my friend contacted My Sister’s Place. But Amber was in the midst of putting together a flyer for an August 15 training in Newport sponsored by Catholic Charities: “Understanding How Immigration Laws Can Help Survivors of Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault, Child Sex Abuse, Stalking, & Human Trafficking.”
I broached the issues of overworked DAs; not always trauma-informed/sensitive victim’s advocates; the nuances of defense attorneys and prosecutors meeting to “horse trade” charges to forgo or forestall a trial based on a reduced set of charges in a plea agreement.
Wishoff-Martin states she wants to be “a voice of compatibility” when looking at the challenges typical of domestic abuse prosecutions. Amber noted the County’s domestic violence diversion court is effective. In the end, though, the shortage of prosecutors and defense attorneys has “a direct impact on survivors.”
We’ll get into the benefits and services of MSP, but one organization I contacted is Portland-based, SCARS – Survivor Collective Alliance, Reach Society. Rachelle Scheele is the principal cofounder SCARS. One of the incredibly impactful aspects of this collective is the Podcasts: Survivors Speak Truth. This is an abuse and trauma survivor-run Podcast. The goal is to “elevate survivor voices and amplify survivor stories.”
Healing takes time, as all the practitioners agree. Some of that roadwork, according to SCARS and social workers, including Heidi H. Heild, thirty years in social work, is drilling down to the truth of abuse. SCARS ramifies healing from trauma through peer support: “self-advocacy, healing, outreach, education, and restorative justice.”
I asked Heidi what goes wrong, usually, in domestic violence court cases. “The lack of advocacy for the victim, revictimization through the court process.”
Her biggest push is creating more services for domestic violence victims/survivors. “Not all DV victims are alike,” Heild says. “Some need only a little help to exit abusive relationships and get on with their lives; at the other extreme are those deeply traumatized by their experiences and in need of extensive professional help to regain a basic ability to function independently. Clearly, different types and levels of service are needed.”
Just this past February, Amber wrote to the House Committee on Judiciary supporting HB2933, a $10 million increase for funding the Oregon Domestic and Sexual Violence Services (ODSVS). She spoke of the increased need for survivor services.
“Our agency, like others across the state, saw exponential growth in calls to hotlines and requests for safe, emergency shelter and services. In the last year we took over 1,300 calls on our “Hopeline,” a 24-hour crisis hotline for Lincoln County support. This was a massive increase over what we have seen in years past,” she wrote.
She emphasizes that a safe place to sleep at night when fleeing domestic violence is a life saver. In Lincoln County, last year, MSP offered 4,140 bed nights to adult survivors and 1,938 nights to their children. MSP, also known as My Safe Place, has been in Lincoln County attempting to meet the needs of victims and survivors for 42 years.
For my friend, who called MSP a week before the attempted murder, said she hit a brick wall as there was no space for her at the time. She told me she’s not throwing aspersions at MSP, but without a place to stay, she went back to her abuser, and a week later, the 911 call was made. “I went back to the abuser and here I am now ten months later as he just pled out for the attempted murder.”
End of Part Two
Here, in the public record, the impact statement, as in VICTIM impact statement: More Ground Truthing/More Reality Not Hitched to Celebrity Culture (Johnny Depp or Russell Brand or Spitzer or Epstein or Bill Clinton or Joe Biden, et al, and their abuse, or alleged abuse).
Quoted verbatim, with permission.
To the Court and to my Abuser:
I see clearly now. I see how you gained control over the years and how you targeted me from day one. By shining so bright — me the independent, multi-lingual, smart business owner — I had what you never had. You saw in me a powerful but vulnerable well intentioned human being, and you took advantage of it as all abusers do. You never treated me as your equal. I was the perfect victim for you.
I didn’t know back then, but I know now that I married a predator. It was truly scary for me when I talked with your ex fiancé, Mary, and realized how your abusive behaviors only escalated with the years. Her life was shattered, and her current life, married with children, still reflects fear for you, of you. The fact that you never did the work on yourself to heal your own traumas or anger management, that is forefront, but for a victim of more then four years of abuse, I find it difficult to empathize with you. You have continued with your hate, your misogyny and your control; you have only gotten worse. You abused Mary too and probably every woman that ever crossed your path. You’re a serial abuser.
The control you gained on me over the years was very insidious. The cycle of abuse was vicious. From complete isolation & neglect, to long periods of raging and alcohol abuse, to rejection and abandonment, among others, you wore me down and turned me into a victim of Stockholm Syndrome. You belittled me and threatened me every chance you had. You made a point to make my life miserable. You pushed me away and reeled me back in whenever you were pleased with fake apologies, crocodile tears and empty promises to change and be better. I believe you are not redeemable.
- You wanted a submissive wife at home to cook, to clean and to fall under your terrible will.
- You wanted a punching bag for your emotions, and I was it. That facilitated you to show your best behaviors and charming self to other people. It’s not classic Jekyll & Hide behavior, but it sure was close. Nobody really knew what was really happening behind closed doors. A living hell, that’s what it was all along, all day everyday with you. I was constantly walking on eggshells, sleeping on the couch with my purse hidden under my legs and the dog on a leash, always on a fight or flight mode. I would clean vomit and piss all over the bathroom every other day.
- You would hide the car keys so I couldn’t go anywhere. You would lock me outside of the house.
- You would threaten to hurt the dog if I would to go anywhere.
- You would manipulate me and force me into your deviant sexual fantasies so you would have to seek sex from other women.
- You would attack my integrity and make fun of my origins, my family, my friends, my accent, my height, my weight. There was always something wrong with me, any ideas I would have or everything I would do. I was criticized, blamed, and brought down every day.
- You gaslit me constantly, trying to convince me that what I saw I didn’t see, what I heard I didn’t hear, what I felt I didn’t feel. That was an ongoing narcissistic plan to convince me that my reality was completely false, and that’s a serious abuse tactic & psychological torture method I have learned now while going to counseling. You were grooming me into losing every little bit of self confidence I had so you could abuse me more intensely and keep me isolated.
The way you treated me all along is a statement of who you are as a human being. Nine months in a county jail with no counseling, no group work, no substance abuse programs just makes you more of a danger to society. But not to me.
For the longest time, I tried to understand your relationship with your mother, and I finally got it: You both are the same person, you both are despicable human beings. You can’t stand each other, yet you use each other to get your evil ways. I don’t think you were born an abuser, but that you became one: forged by another one, your father and your rotten mother’s response to a husband’s abuse. The abused that becomes an abuser is classic, but it doesn’t make me feel vindicated. Everything you guys plotted against me over the years and especially since you got incarcerated were really enlightening to me. She enables you all the way and you don’t know any better than being an abuser & addict.
I have now unraveled all of your lies, including the cheating and the nasty campaign you ran amongst friends and family. Rarely mentioning that we were married, keeping me hidden so you could abuse me better, your have lied throughout this relationship, to me and to others. You also targeting vulnerable and low self-esteem women by luring them into your hotel rooms. I’m truly disgusted. By now, your life has no more secrets for me. Maybe you can find some relief in that.
- I wanted to be loved.
- I wanted to help.
- I wanted to make you happy.
- I wanted us to be team #1.
Sure, I have cried, screamed and ran away my fair share as I was reacting to this ongoing nightmare. But unlike you, I never intended to hurt, control and manipulate. I helped you through every struggle you had. I was your cheerleader. I followed, encouraged and helped you in all your projects, as crazy as they were. I was by your side every time you experienced alcohol withdrawals, when you were sick or injured. And so on.
I had good intentions; I wanted a lifetime marriage & partner. But you wouldn’t appreciate anything I would do for you. I did a lot for you, for us. I was a good, loving & faithful wife. I am the one that helped you keeping your head above the water. Without me, you would have sunken a long time ago. Remember the person you first met in Antigua, Guatemala? An independent & strong woman, loved and respected by everyone? Well, by the time you got incarcerated, I was barely a shadow of that person, of myself. I had checked out emotionally. I couldn’t bear any of the abuse anymore. I was at my lowest point and this is exactly where you wanted me to be so you could control, lie, manipulate, cheat and abuse me even more. You thought you had me good; I know you never thought I would call the police on you! You’ve mistaken my kindness for weakness.
I jeopardized my life to flee from you and the abuse on many occasions by flying away, driving away, leaving numerous different jobs, turning down opportunities, sleeping in the car, streets, motels, crashing at friends’ homes.
They say that it takes on average 7 times for a victim to flee her abuser for good. That’s about what it took me to stand for myself and call the police. And yes, I did come back to you plenty of times. I genuinely wanted things to work for us and help you. I loved you very much.
But I know now that I never had a real chance to make this marriage work. For you, it wasn’t about love, respect and devotion. It was all about control, manipulation & abuse. You never loved me. I am no longer ashamed I have been shackled by you because I understand the dynamics of battered wife syndrome.
I am no longer a victim.
You used everything I ever shared with you, with honesty and vulnerability, to manipulate me and keep me around. I was so scared of what would happen if I didn’t obey you. You would threaten me into withdrawing yourself from the green card application so I would be deported. You would hide my passport while you were gone on your trips so I wouldn’t escape. You would make me spend every bit of money I would make so you could control me financially. I could go on forever.
Nothing will ever excuse nor explain what happened on the night of November 11th when for the first time in my life I dialed 911. Who the fuck do you think you are to feel that’s it’s okay to assault me and contemplate killing me? You really scared me. As you grabbed me by the throat, locked my arms behind my back, stuffed my face in the couch, forced a pillow over my head and tried to suffocate me, I thought for sure I would die. You tried to kill me, Abuser!
You must have thought that I had to pay for every woman in your life that let you down and disappointed you. Or maybe you sought some kind of vengeance against women, me, with your dad’s murder anniversary coming up. It took me some time to realize it, but I surely was in great danger! There is nothing I could have done for you justify assaulting me. No trauma or addiction of yours could explain or diminish your actions. I thought about that night many times; there was no happy ending possible. I would of end up dead one day soon anyways. You were out of control and more aggressive by the day. And remember when you gave me concussion in Sedona after hitting me on the head? Remember me begging for my life as you were choking me on the bed? Those burdens are now all on you. I am washing my hands of it. I refuse to let any of the abuse you put me through define me anymore.
The person you assaulted that night exists no more. I am in process of regaining all the self confidence you took away from me, taking back control over my life and healing from all the trauma you caused me. Make no mistake, you can’t fool me anymore. Although you’ve shaken me to my core, you didn’t succeed to kill me and I am now growing stronger than ever.
That’s my biggest victory. I am finally seeing you for the monster that you are. I am standing up for myself. Unlike you, I never sought vengeance. By now, I only want you to take accountability and be held legally responsible for what you did to me. I am finding myself much more peaceful knowing exactly who and what I was dealing with. I know you know exactly what you did to me, that and how much you’ve abused me over the years and it’s going to haunt and torture your consciousness forever, no matter how drunk you get.
YOU will have to live with those thoughts ever after.The truth is that you are a danger to society. You have put me through some much abuse and you endangered me and my dog, so many times. You are an abuser in the most classic sense; you drive intoxicated; you are a predator; you are a misogynist, a narcissist, a sociopath, racist and a total fraud. What you have put me through, I don’t wish it on anybody. You are an imminent danger to women and young girls.
You have lucked out and received a plea agreement, and I know your think you have won, that you will get something over on the probation officials, that you can scam the system, and that you will drink again and even attempt to contact me. You should have received prison time.
I truly hope you will heal from your own childhood trauma, through anger management and addiction treatment, and that you will at some point be the better human being I always thought you could be, but I strongly doubt any of these will transpire.
You will hurt again and fuck it up again like you always. How was your time in jail? Just over 8 months, right? How miserable were you? That’s nothing compared to what you have put me through and what I have endured because of you. I was in a prison all day everyday living in serious fear. You plead for easier final punishment because you got scared like a little boy. You shit your pants. I was always the bigger person, not you. You can’t even face your own truth and admit your terrible behaviors and mistakes. It hurts too much to face the reality of your life full of regrets, doesn’t it?
Throughout these months, I never contacted you, didn’t contact your family nor your friends. I am commanding you to never ever get in contact with me, nor stalk me in any way, shape or form. Not me, my family, my friends. Don’t even try because I won’t hesitate to defend myself this time around. After everything you put me through, I would hope you would understand and leave me alone forever. I have given enough of my soul to the dark dark motives in your heart and head. Never again.
I’ll end this statement by saying this: For me, you are a spineless worthless piece of shit and there is no redemption for someone like you. Most importantly, you have now become a total stranger to me.
end
(source)
[Photo: 8-year-old girl reads victim impact statement in court after her mother was beaten.]
End Note: I’ll write something in between this piece and the last one, around the power of patriarchy, marriage dynamics, what happens in divorce court, and the bullshit intentions of abusers like this guy playing the system in those “mandatory” anger management and alcohol-substance abuse “classes.”
This content originally appeared on Dissident Voice and was authored by Paul Haeder.
Paul Haeder | Radio Free (2023-09-23T16:24:38+00:00) Stages of Grief, Disempowering the Abuser, Healing. Retrieved from https://www.radiofree.org/2023/09/23/stages-of-grief-disempowering-the-abuser-healing/
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